*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐