I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life