VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free