I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Growing out my freckles.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”