I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.