Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant