I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?