Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
HELP 😭
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him