I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again