Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
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Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?