Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Going to church you guys need anything
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.