Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Finally!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.