What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.