When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
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I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.