My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.