I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”