wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
The Others (2001)
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.