inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’ll be mad as hell!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.