The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes