The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy