In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Happy Halloween 🎃
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The two types of wives
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Yes, this is exactly right
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]