If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
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Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
pep talk
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.