*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.