When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Yep.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.