[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development