Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.