It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.