*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.