“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”