[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
men are simple creatures
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Rambo Rambow
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.