6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Shortcut
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?