(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
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[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Clients after you give them your rates
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?