I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.