You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Meow
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆