[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Y’all ready for this
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Where is your GOD now????
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now