just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest