[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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😍😂🥰😂😍
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Free him
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.