CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9