I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
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me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
one last job
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”