I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
This could be us but you eatin’
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
🤣🤣🤣
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry