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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach