who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Best spot.. 😅
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids