You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
same energy
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.