In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’