Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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They are only bad decisions if you get caught
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.