guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.