COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You Might Also Like
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you