H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My therapist after every session
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!