Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?