My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.